Most of the time, I find it hard to connect with people my age. I have a lot of older friends because I get along easier with them. I have concluded this is because I have grown up to fast. I would not change my past even if I could because I love who I have become, but I do envy others for staying young longer then me. Unfortunately, I have witnessed and been a part of a lot of negative things that shaped me. Most kids did not see what I saw, therefore have a different perspective on many aspects of life. Not only has it affected the way we look at situations but also how we feel about them. I have been in therapy for around two years and have learned so much about myself and the world around me as cliche as that sounds, and because of that, I am emotionally mature and able to manage myself and situations around me much better than the average 18-year-old/young adult. Though this is a skill that benefits me in more ways, then I know, it is also a skill that has left me somewhat isolated. I am not interested in gossip and partying like most people my age, and that doesn’t mean I cannot hang out with them, but we have nothing in common. I usually feel like an aunt or older member of a family that wants to look out for people because I know what can happen. I wonder if that is part of the problem sometimes. That I worry about things that could happen, but the fact is it doesn’t to a lot of people. I also envy that, not worrying. Not worrying sounds like not suffering. But not worrying can also cause suffering. I am too old for my age.
I thought it would be fitting to take myself back to the time I came into high school, specifically Innisdale Secondary School. It was orientation day, and my mother and I were touring around the school. We ended up talking to a teacher I now know as Mr.Fraser, and at the time, of course, I didn’t listen to anything the teachers had to say. Now I think about it all the time. He told me ‘the friends you will make are you’ and here five years later I wish I would have listened. I spent the first two years with a group of people I thought I would know forever, and in those first two years of my high school journey I thought wow it is true when they say high school is the best years of your life. Now I think, jeez if that is the case for you I feel bad. I wonder where in my life I would be if I had stayed the course of destruction I was on. Running from authority, responsibility, choosing the wreckage instead of restoration, eating away at myself from the inside out, pretending to be someone I didn’t even know, allowing myself to be in situations that I knew could only end a couple ways, and live a life that was never meant for me. But maybe the path I had taken was perfect because would I be me if it wasn’t for her? The girl I used to know.