I would like to first start with contradicting the title of this. With all of the debates currently going on in the western world about the abortion ban laws, I would bring my perspective to the growing conversation. Right now, if I am not mistaken Alabama, Ohio, Missouri, and Georgia are trying to get a bill passed to make abortions illegal, as soon as they can detect a heartbeat which can be as early as four weeks, and criminalize women who seek them out. Currently, Missippi was denied on their heartbeat bill; however, the rest of the states have not been and are pushing hard for it. So to get back to contradicting my title Pro-Choice or Life I want to point out that firstly, you do not necessarily need to be either. If you are pro-life, you can be for yourself, your family, and maybe even some of the people you decide to hang out with, however, you can respect others beliefs and rights to their own body like many other rights. I don’t need to believe in your religion to respect that you believe in it, and I don’t need to be gay to accept, nor do I need to be a scientist to respect that you didn’t want to be a doctor. Respecting what someone else is doing does not mean that you want it for yourself, but it is allowing others their personal freedom to do what they believe in for them. Secondly, though abortions can affect men, it does not affect them as much as it does to women in terms of their body changes, and the primary responsibility of childbearing is on her. Men should not be deciding what women can do with their body even if it can affect them. I believe this conversation carries so much stigma from religion and different viewpoints that give a lot of judgment to either side. I think if we could come together and respect all people and their decisions to do what they believe is best for themselves and no one else this would be easier to talk about, because if I respect you enough not to tell you what to do with your body then respect me too and show me the same.
Who are you? Who do you feel like? What does that person feel like doing? Are there only one of you? Two? Maybe even more? Who am I? Most days, I know the answer. Most days, I have two answers. One that is the right answer, and the other I know is the wrong answer. I feel like I am split right down the middle, one side of me wants to follow the road society and my parents have laid out for me. The other half of me wants to say f*** that and go completely off the road at a 180-degree turn. These two roads are parallel to each other, so close that at any moment I could jump over to the other one. When traveling the most socially acceptable path, I am ever so tempted to jump over to the one that is not. However, I feel the same when I am on a route that will not be approved. One is more tempting the other, but that one is worse for me. Maybe that’s why society deems it unacceptable. Most days, I agree. I find that I am only tempted to go to the dark side when I am also feeling in a dark place. It seems like I can escape anything when I hide over there. Society doesn’t want me when I am there, and I don’t want me when I am there, my family, and my friends. I am left to self destruct.
That’s why I stay traveling the path that remains in the light. I stay where society can see me so that I can hold myself to their standards.
Something I used to love doing. Something I used to do with my eyes open and closed. Now I dread my dreams, and I pray I don’t have them or remember them. When my loved ones tell me their dreams, and I try my best to be happy for them and listen like I actually even want to. In reality, I am filled with envy. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Fear. Why? Somewhere along the line, my dreams stopped being happy. They started being an accumulation of my fears, traumas, and most profound thoughts I never choose to think of. Maybe it’s because when unconscious you have no choice, you deal with what you’re given. One day I hope to enjoy my dreams, or at maybe at the least enjoy others.
I describe my mornings as, unlike many other peoples. Why may you ask? Well, I wake up every day with a constant fear of what is in store. You may even say the fear starts the night before when I am going to bed. The thing is I am unlike most people because of a diagnosis I received two years ago. Anorexia Nervosa has since then impacted most of my days, hours, and minutes since then. It starts in the morning when I wake up with stomach pains because I damaged my digestive system so much that still, it has not repaired itself. Then we move on to getting dressed. Oh, how I used to love this part of my day. I could wear whatever I wanted to without any backlash from my body or mind, and now my body quivers at the thought of tight clothing. Not because I don’t like the way I look, but because I hate the way I feel – no wonder I own nine pairs of sweatpants -. Next, I go downstairs when I should be eating my first meal, but nope not with how my schooling schedule is planned out, and definitely not with how my digestive system aches. So now that I am probably late for school, I leave to go to a class I’m more than likely suffering in. Commonly for the next couple hours, till I go home, I will sit in a dull ache in my whole body, try to stay focused. Now I drive home, immediately change into clothes that I feel good in. After this, I start my 1 of 6 meals for the day. I’ll end this here, or I’d be encroaching on my afternoon, and that’s a whole new story.
What is honesty? To be free of deceit and untruthfulness. Does anyone sincerely know what it is, to be honest? Does anyone even feel honest? I know I don’t. When being honest with yourself, do you find yourself lying to others? Or do you lie to both? I’ve discovered when I do it’s only to you. I always know my truth even if it’s never said aloud. Is it to make you or me feel better, and that I don’t know. One day I will, and then maybe I’ll lie to us both.
I thought it would be fitting to take myself back to the time I came into high school, specifically Innisdale Secondary School. It was orientation day, and my mother and I were touring around the school. We ended up talking to a teacher I now know as Mr.Fraser, and at the time, of course, I didn’t listen to anything the teachers had to say. Now I think about it all the time. He told me ‘the friends you will make are you’ and here five years later I wish I would have listened. I spent the first two years with a group of people I thought I would know forever, and in those first two years of my high school journey I thought wow it is true when they say high school is the best years of your life. Now I think, jeez if that is the case for you I feel bad. I wonder where in my life I would be if I had stayed the course of destruction I was on. Running from authority, responsibility, choosing the wreckage instead of restoration, eating away at myself from the inside out, pretending to be someone I didn’t even know, allowing myself to be in situations that I knew could only end a couple ways, and live a life that was never meant for me. But maybe the path I had taken was perfect because would I be me if it wasn’t for her? The girl I used to know.