Dissociate with me?

Let me start my saying mom, don’t bother reading this one.

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Now that she’s probably still reading I’ll begin anyway. What is dissociating you may wonder? The disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected. The state of being disconnected. I’m not sure why this is so appealing to me, or why it has been for so many years. Even when I think about that phrase ‘the state of being disconnected’ I feel so at ease. Since a young age clearing my mind to the point of no thought has been easy, and something I enjoyed often doing. Not long after it happened without even trying. I would be in class and would completely dissociate not realizing until my friends would nudge me. Soon it became comfortable and easier to do it on command, even affecting my vision. As I got older, this state became increasingly comforting to me. I started to crave being in a dissociative state all the time. I wanted to find a balance between being engaged in my surroundings but also entirely out of it. With already being in a troubled friend group accessing substances to help me accomplish my goal was not difficult for me. Emotional trauma in my life started to lead me there, my friends helped me stay there, and more trauma kept me there. I slowly crept out of a life of partying as a distraction, however, substance abuse still followed me just not as close and not as hard. Cigarettes became another form of oxygen and one of the most durable coping methods I have ever come across. They were also the hardest to quit. After moving to a new school for a year, I became more in touch with myself. My health took a turn for the better, but my want for a dissociative state was still stronger than ever. I had stopped all drugs that were considered ‘hard’ and really wanted to do well for myself. That’s what I did, and I did it well. Now here we are two years later, and I still partake in substances that allow me to dissociate with ease. Maybe one day I won’t. But like I said even when I think about that phrase ‘the state of being disconnected’ I feel so at ease.